chapter 11

This post I'd dedicated to the super cutie @luluomair51 , thanks for all the support I love you <3 

everyone hates me , I betrayed everyone's trust , I don't deserve to live , my life should end , it should and ...

Suicides is the only choice I have , I don't want to continue this fake life , 5ala9 t3bt , I hope there was another choice , I hope their was a reason to live for , I hope their was someone caring someone loving , ahh hopes hopes

I looked for something to help me murdering my self , I found pills , different types and kinds of pills , I took them and went back to my bed , I sat and wondered , 5ala9 is this my life ? Should it end now ? Millions of questions were in my mind is just ended that headache by the first pill , the second , 4th , 7th and then all the pills I've got , I felt dizzy , memories are flashing back in my mind , my blurry vision , at that moment I realized that death is so close , I felt that my soul is about to leave my body , but all my feeling got ended by leaving this world , my eyes got shut and everything is unknown now ...

What happened ? Will razan live ? Or that would be the end the end of this story ?

No the post didn't end yet , let's see what happened

Rakan's p.o.v :

I just came back home , and I was really bored , so I thought that razan might be awake , I just loved and enjoyed last time with her , let's see she may join me

I went to her room , thinking about the movie we should watch , horror or comedy ? Umm should we order pizza or burger ? ...

I opened the door without knocking ,

Me: razan wainik ? T3ali nsh-

His shock wasn't a thing I can describe in words , he went to her asking her to enjoy time with him but he saw her in misery , in a total pain.

I carried her to the hospital - 7f'9ona hal mustashfa kel youm mu9eeba xD-

Back to razan's p.o.v:

dizziness was all I felt , I couldn't really see well , but whom I saw rad al 7ayah finy , whom I saw was unexpected at all , not after what happened at least ?

chapter 10

Fahad: razan , what's wrong ? Are you alright ?
My tears was my answer
Me: ana...*sniff*aa
I didn't complete my word I,I
What the hell did I do ?
It felt so right , but no no razan no
I...
What I did was wrong I know it and admit it , but it  comforted me , gosh no , ughh it's just that my opposite thoughts collided in my head and my tears was still flowing , and fahad was so shocked I can tell , I was too.
I hugged my best friend's husband , shame on me , I have to move I-
A voice that I didn't want to hear , not now
...: what are you doing ?
Me : ahh no don't misunderstand , it's not what you think..
...: w b kil w8a7a trdeen ? y3ni akthib 3yoni w a9dgik ? Shrayik ?
Fahad : no wallah it's just that razan , razan umm
...: eeh kmil razan what ? I trusted both of you , my sister and my husband , a3z nas 3la glbi 5AYNEEN ,

and soha , yes soha lucky me , left us , she didn't leave the place , she leaved her awareness , she couldn't handle it she fell in the ground , both me and fahad were more than shocked , 2 in 1 , first hugging fahad and then soha seeing everything, what a coincidence ?

Fahad quickly carried soha , after she fainted , I followed them to the car , fahad was driving like a crazy I was scared his speed was so high , we arrived to the hospital's emergency's gate and soha was carried by one of the beds , fahad was scared , and nervous , so and I , after 30 minutes of waiting the doctor arrived
Fahad : doctor kaif soha ? Inshallah kwysa ?
Doctor : soha al7mdellah kwysa , bs al 56r 3al baby.
Shit , that's my fault
Doctor completing :tgdar ttf'9l m3ay al mktb w ntklm 3an al tfa9eel.
Ohh I'm unwelcome
Me: ana al7een raj3a albait w bukra inshallah jaya

I called the driver , and went back home , I didn't want to , as if it's a choice mathlan.

Everyone was sleeping , it was 2 am , thanks god !
I went to my room , and the first thing I did was looking at myself in the mirror , what I saw was a different me , physically and mentally I changed , my thoughts my dreams are different , I feel that I'm just a problem causer , I have no one to live for , everyone hates me , I betrayed everyone's trust , I don't deserve to live , my life should end , it should and ...

Sorry everyone for the late post , I'm just really busy with school , I will try to post asap
Love you all <3 !

Comments please ;).

chapter 9

hii guys, thank you ,thank you, I know these words aren't enough, I just love you all for your support, this post is dl dedicated to all my 300 +readers and followers in less than a month

enjoy♥

the words I said came directly from my heart , the words kept flowing out of my mouth , but something stopped me , something unexpected , something painful and harsh...
my mom for the first time in my life slapped me, she didn't only slap my right cheek but my heart, feeling of surprise ,pain let a hot tear escape from my left eye, at that moment I didn't know what to do or how to react for such an unexpected thing, after 30 seconds of total silence I left the house, and headed to my secret saver, the sea, as I reached there tears flowed without any warning, I can't take this anymore,  this is more than enough, what type of punishment is this, my thoughts collided in my head, and tears kept falling from my eyes expressing the pain, although tears aren't enough .

a tall figure approached, I couldn't really recognize him or her because of my blurry vission, but his voice was recognizable, that man ...

who do you think that person is?

zeyad

well

umm

no

he was fahad, unexpected right?
his voice stopped my train of thoughts

fahad: razan, what's wrong? are you alright?

my tears was my answer

me : Ana ... *sniff* aa

I didn't complete my word I, I

what the hell did I do?
it felt so right, but no no razan no .
I ...

if I get comments I''ll post tomorrow ;)

chapter 8

Hi guys , sorry for the short post , I'm really busy , hope you understand and comment

this post is dedicated for @salkhudher , thanks for the support , I love you

enjoy xx

We decided to play truth or dare

Rakan started : truth or dare ?

Me: truth

Rakan : razan aish kan bainik w bain zeyad ?

Ahh can't anyone get over this , I'm trying to leave the past and start all over again , seems that everyone wants the past although it's gone

I was silent for about 2 minutes

Rakan : sorry if it's personal , but I just wanted to hear you not to judge and to avoid misunderstanding , anyways goodnight

He smiled than got up to leave

Me: wait

He stared at me , I really wanted to cry at that moment , I don’t want him to think in a bad way about me or to translate things depending on what he heard

He came and hugged me , I hugged him back and this time I did cried

Rakan: don’t cry , I don’t want to know anything , just forget about it all , okay ?

Me while smiling: okay

next day

mom is coming back home today , so it's the moment of truth

when my mom enterd the house , I was in my room , I didn't want to face her , but I told my self that facing my mom is a thing that would happen now or then , so let's just finish this

I went dowen stairs , and greeted my mother , and sat on the big empty living room with my brothers with no voice interrupting the silence and the awkward moments

my mom spoke with a weird tone : etrkoni m3a razan , abi aklmha

ra2id : la yuma ana ma ra7 at7rk

rakan and rami got up and left

mom spoke : tklmi , goli shmswya m3a zeyad , ya 5sarat al tryba bs

ra2id: huh , yuma la tt3been nfsik , s2lt'ha men gbil , bs ma jawbt 3deemat al sharf

5ala9 zadt leen hena w bs sktt ktheer

me shouting : MEEN ENTO 3lSHAN TGOOLON KETHA , WAINIK 3ANI MEN GBIL YA MAMA, ELI 9AR KELAH MENKUM , 5ALA9 BSKUM LOOM ENTI '9Y3TINY , ENTI MSH OMI AN-

the words I said came directly from my heart , the words kept flowing out of my mouth , but something stopped me , something unexpected , something painful and harsh...

what was that ?

chapter 7

I was at my usual spot , watching the waves of the pure sea ,  and all I thought about is how to go with life , wherever I go , and whatever I do seems wrong , when would this finish ? I'm really tired of my life and every part of it makes me feel sick , and zeyad , if he just left without any words , if he just valued that feeling that I had towered him , he doesn't deserves anything , I thought that I should go back to London to complete my studies , why would I stay in Saudi anyways ?

I got up from my place , headed to the car , and told the driver to go to the hospital , where my mother was

After arriving to the hospital , I was greeted by my 3 brothers death stares , cool I have nothing to hide , it seems that ra2id told them everything about me and zeyad

Me: kaif  9art mama , inshallah a7san ?

Ra2id: omi al7mdellah t7snt , bs lamma tshoofik ra7 t9eer aswa2

Ouch , 6rda ?

Me: law sma7t e7rmni nfs ma a7trmik

Ra2id: mashallah enti a5r men ytklm 3an al e7tram

Rami intervened : stop it , mama t3bana w ento hatha a5r hmkm

 I remained silent , an hour later I went to the cafeteria , and guess who I saw there ?

Fahad !!

Me: hi

Fahad: hi

Me: what's wrong ? why are you here

Fahad : nothing , my friend is tired , I came in a visit , but you didn’t tell my why are you here ?

Me: my mom is tired

Fahad: salamt'ha , coffee ?

Me: why not ?

I went and sat on a table , fahad brought 2 coffee mugs and sat in front of me , we remained silent for about 5 minuets , none of us knew what to say

I finally spoke : have you thought of something to do to soha ?

Fahad: no , I was really busy , and soha might stay at her mother's house in Riyadh

Me: yeah , will you go with her if she goes ?

Fahad: I don’t really know

I was giving my back to the door , so I didn’t see people who come in or leave

As we were chatting about random stuffs, I saw fahad getting  up and greeting a guy , I didn’t see him , but I recognized him by his very special voice , zeyad !

Zeyad: ohh razan kafik ?

Fahad: t3rfha ?

Zeyad : w kaif ma a3rf o5ti

Fahad: wallah twni a3rf , ma glteli razan

I was silent , I didn’t know what to say

Zeyad: ela fahad mo ent mtzwj soha alX ?

Fahad: eeh

Zeyad : w razan shtswi hena

For the sake of god , how does this guy thinks

I finally spoke : bs 3adi sheft fahad w shrbt coffee m3ah feha shi ?

Zeyad: la abd ma feeha shi , ga3da m3a zooj 9degtik , 3adi al w'93

It was clear that fahad was really confused , he didn’t undertand zeyad , neither I , what does zeyad wants ?

Me : wallah ana msh m'96ra ashr7 lik shi , 3an ethnik fahad lazim aroo7

I used the elevator to arrive to my mothers room  , I unlocked the door , and went inside , this time there was a difference , my mom was awake , I didn’t want to face her , I wasn't ready for that , not know

Me faking a smile : al7mdellah 3al salamah mama

My mom remained silent , but her eyes spoke , she was really tired , disappointed , and sad , I went and kissed her forehead

Mama: razan lazim ntklm

Me: okay , bs mo al7een , awal 9eri a7sn , alzm ma 3laina ho 97tik

Mama ana al7een lazim aroo7 bukra ashoofik bye

I went out quickly , my mom made me feel weaker , I lost my father , and I didn’t want to lose my mother , she's all I have right now

At midnight , I was really hungry , I went downstairs to the kitchen

I made a sandwich to eat , I was about to eat it but I heard a voice that freaked the hell out of me

Me: omg , you scared me

….: hahahaha

Me: why are you here

….: same reason why you’re here , what are you eating ?

Me: apparently a sandwich

….: la ya shai5a

Me: hahaha shagool y3ni

….: abi akil

Me: swi lnfsik akil

….: ma a3rf

Me: then why are you here ? ana hena 3lshan aswi lnfsi akil

….: please swi le

Me: no  

After 5 minuets of begging

Me: 5ala9 fkni bs shtbi ?

….: anything

Me: shrayik t6lb l nfsik akil mo a7san

….: 6ayeb bs bshr6

Me: aish ?

….: t3ali shoofi movie m3ay

Me: okay , aish al movie ?

….: paranormal activity

Me: maby

….: t5afeen ?

Me : nooo

….: then we're gonna watch it

Me: okay

After ordering pizza , me and my youngest brother rakan were at the basement watching the movie

Rakan: razan let's change the movie

Me: why

Rakan: I don’t like it

Me: but I do

Rakan: please

Me while laughing : t5af

Rakan : la

Me: I want to watch this movie

Rakan: okay ee a5af

I burst into laughter , my brother fears a movie

Rakan: stop it it's not funny

Me: it is

We continued the night watching another movie , and then the other

It was my first time to have a bother sister night , it felt great , I regretted all the past days , when I used to stay alone

We decided to play truth or dare

Rakan started : truth or dare ?

Me: truth

Rakan : razan aish kan bainik w bain zeyad ?

Let your comments make my day , waiting !   

read this please

Hi everyone , thanks for reading the blog , your comments means the a lot .

The a lot of people are confused , I will rewrite the chapters to make them clear , and for the people asking who zeyad is ? he is razan's brother , check that on chapter 5.

Thanks for reading , waiting for your comments.

chapter 6

After that tragical memory , and all the tears , I saw my moms body laying in the ground , and I heard a voice shouting : yumaaaaaa

And as I rotated my head , my eyes saw ra2id in front of me , shaking my mother and saying : la Yuma , ana ma agwa fragik , yumaa rdi tsm3eeni , razaaan klmi es3af

I was shocked I didn’t know what to do , I stayed in my place trying to recognize the situation , but ra2id's voice woke me , and I returned me back to reality , I went running in circles , not  even knowing what I was searching for , I saw ra2id carrying my mother and running , I followed them , but ra2id was so quick , after moments the view of ra2id's car disappeared , I wore my abaya , and ran to the car , after calling the driver. I'm now setting next to ra2id , waiting for the doctor , ra2id was so silent , he didn’t even move , and he said nothing , I was scared , and many questions were swimming in my mind , trying to  find an answer , but unfortunately , I couldn’t , am I the reason of all of this ? maybe this was all my fault , this is karma , being in a relationship isn’t the solution , but I was weak , laj2t le as'hal al 6r8 , but this is too much , I know I did something wrong , and I got my punishment , my lovers was my brother , I lost my father , and losing my mother is on prospect,

يارب ترجع لي امي , يا رب مالي غيرك

I  was repeating that over and over , until the doctor's voice interrupted me , me and ra2id went following , after setting on the chairs facing the desk the doctor finally spook : al walda t3r'9t le azma nfseya , w hatha 2thar 3leeha , l2nha mree'9at sukar

Ra2id finally spoke after that hour of silent : w alm6loub ?

The doctor : al walda t7taj le ra7ah , w eb3dooha 3an ay a5bar sy2a

Ra2id went out without saying anything , I thanked the doctor and I left him , I saw ra2id lifting the hospital , I followed him , and then I saw him smoking

Razan: ra2id , ent mo wgft td5een

Ra2id : w al7een rj3t ad5in

I took the cigarette from his hand and threw it

Ra2id shouting : laish ta5theenha meen sm7 lik ?

Razan: ra2id shfeek ? w law sm7t la t9r5

Ra2id : ma a9r5 , razan eli sm3tah 97 ? goli la , goli ketheb ,

He was shaking me and I saw a tear rolling from his eye , I knew he heard us , me and mom

Ra2id: razan tklmi , goli la , la tskteen

I said nothing my tears were my answer , they were enough

Ra2id : laish ? laish ? e7na ma g9rna 3laik b shi , kenti bs t2shreen w yjeek eli tbeenah , kant 6lbatik awamer , laish ?

I felt sick of this , they keep on blaming me , this is over

Razan : hatha eli ento sha6reen feeh al loom 97 ? fi a7d mara ja w s2l 3ni ? la . fi a7d klf nfsah ytklm m3ay ? ham la , ya ra2id al floos eli knt ttklm 3nha , ana ma abeeha etha kant al floos btb3dna w btfrgna ana ast'3ni 3nha , al floos 5lt aboy men safra le thaina , al floos 5lt omi men munasba ejtma3eya le thania , 9art t'htam b al m'6aher akthar men awladha , w ento kel wa7id kan b jeha w wla a7d kan dari 3an al thani , fahmt laish klmt zeyad , kan ho al w7eed eli wgf m3ay , 7baitah , w 7b-

I couldn’t complete my word , because what just happened made me stop

Ra2id slapped me and then said : w b kil w8a7a tgoolen a7ibah , enti '9y3ti shrfna , enti shwaht'i sum3tna

I was crying really hard , while laying on the street , la w eli zad al6een balah , ena zeyad w9l

Zeyad : sh9ayer ?

Ra2id : abd , bs ena omi bain al 7ayat w al moot bsbtik ent w al o5ti alm9oon razan , W B KIL BJA7A TS2AL , KNT TKLM O5TIK 3LA ENHA 7BEEBTIK YA W95

Zeyad's eye's moved and they were staring at my eye's searching for an answer

Ra2id : shelly 9ar bainkum ?

Zeyad : ma 9ar shi , bs muklamat telephone

Ra2id : w ana shelly y'9mni ena klamik 97ee7

Zeyad: elzam 7dik , o gbl la ts2lni es2al o5tik eli rmt nfs'ha 3alay

Seriously , ana eli rmeet nfsi

Razan : ent eli elzam 7dik , w ana ma rmeet nfsi 3leek , ya 5sara bs , ya 5sara

I went back home , I couldn’t stop crying , eeh hatha eli 7beetah r59ni , ay 7ub hatha , hatha mo 7ub

رعاك الله يا ذكرى ليالي اللي تمر البال تذكرني سعاده يوم اغمض وابحر بفكري
تغير حالي المنهك طيوف الحب لأفضل حال تباعدني عن الدنيا ومافيها ولي عذري
انا العاشق عشقت الشمس والقمره غلا وآمال انا المغرم ومازال الغرام يهب في صدري
انا الماضي وانا الحاضر وانا مستقبل الاجيال انا لي في ايديني لعبة الاحلام من بدري
انا الافراح والارباح والفايض وراس المال انا الافكار والاسرار وادفن في الفضا سري
بعيد هناك ما ينشاف وان شافوه ما ينطال اعيشه بيني وبيني وكل الناس ما تدري
اصابر واتصبر واعرض حروفه حكم وامثال ومهما راحت الدنيا بأهلها ما نفذ صبري
فمان الله وحفظ الله وتبقى دايمن في البال فمان الله يا شخصن مع عمره خذا عمري